


You Give Me All I Want

by nazangel



Series: My Saphael and Malec fics [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Asexual Character, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, M/M, Relationship Advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-18 17:57:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13686846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nazangel/pseuds/nazangel
Summary: "I'm Asexual," said Raphael"What," said Simon"I'm Asexual as in I do not experience sexual attraction,""Oh,"***************************************Raphael comes out to Simon.





	1. Confessions and Advice

Simon nervously paced the outside of Raphael's room, trying to find the courage to knock at the door.

Raphael and Simon had finally given in to their feeling about a month ago and started dating. However because of everything happening in the Shadowworld, they had only gone on three proper dates. Valentine and Jonathan might be gone but the mess they left behind needed to be cleaned up and the New York Clan leader was a vital part of that process.

However, they had grown closer, taken nights to just cuddle on the couch. Simon had even fell asleep in Raphael's room a few times.

Overall, Simon had thought the relationship was going well and now Raphael wanted to see him at the end of the day or well, night to 'talk'. Simon didn't want to be dramatic but he couldn't help but feel that this might be their last talk for a while. He had really liked Raphael too.

The door suddenly opened revealing a smiling Raphael. Simon felt a little of the tension fade. It couldn't be that bad if Raphael was smiling.

_Or maybe he just wants to do a break up amiably._

_Shut up brain!_

"Hello Simon," said Raphael, "I was waiting for you to some in but it seems you're determined to wear a whole in the carpet,"

Simon frowned, "I haven't been pacing that long,"

"Almost twenty minutes Lewis," said Raphael

"Oh,"

"Come in,"

Simon stepped into the room and unlike every other time, Raphael didn't touch him and the dread returned full force. Raphael always touched him, whether it was a kiss on the cheek or two fingers on his wrist.

"So," said Simon nervously, "What is this talk about? You're kinda worrying me...hence the pacing,"

Raphael chuckled, "It's nothing bad Simon. I just have a little confession to make,"

"Okay..."

Raphael gestured toward the sofa and they both sat down a comfortable distance from each other.

"So?" said Simon

"I usually have this conversation a little bit earlier but things have been hectic,"

"Wait so this definitely isn't a break up conversation then?"

"No Simon," said Raphael, "This absolutely isn't a break up conversation. At least I hope it isn't,"

"What is that-"

"I'm Asexual," said Raphael

"What," said Simon

"I'm Asexual as in I do not experience sexual attraction,"

"Oh,"

There was a few moments of silence until Simon spoke up again

"This doesn't change anything. I still like you. I still wanna be with you,"

"And I wanna be with you too," said Raphael, "But I still want you to think about this,"

"There really isn't anything to think about. I said I wanna be with you,"

It was true. Simon didn't care if the only thing they ever did was kiss and cuddle. As long as Raphael wanted be with him, Simon wanted to stay by the other's side.

"You say that now. No- let me finish. You say that now but I've had this conversation before. People think they'll be okay with having a relationship with someone like me but eventually it doesn't work out and everybody gets hurt. I know myself. I know that I can't be in a relationship where my partner wants a full sexual relationship and I know that there are people that cannot have a relationship without it and that's OK too. I just want you to be sure you are not one of those people before we commit to anything,"

Simon just listened. He wanted to interrupt and tell Raphael he was being ridiculous but this was obviously important to the Clan leader so Simon let him speak.

"For full disclosure, while I don't feel sexual attraction, I have performed some sexual acts with people. I don't like penetration and I don't like anyone, for lack of better words, touching me down there but there are some things I will do for my partners. It started with an ex-girlfriend,"

"OK," said Simon, "I know I'm repeating myself here but I really just want to be with you,"

"You're saying that now Simon but you can't know you won't feel differently once were past the 'honeymoon' period, so to speak," said Raphael, "And that will hurt both of us,"

"Than what do you want to do," said Simon, feeling at a loss, "You say you like me but you make it sound like we're doomed,"

"Look," said Raphael, "I have a three day long business trip I'm going on. While I'm away we don't talk to each other, not even a text OK. You think about this and when I come back, you can give me your answer,"

"It will be the same," said Simon

Raphael took his hand, "I want you to really think about it, talk to some people for perspective if you have to,"

"You'd be OK with that?"

"It's not like I try to hide my asexuality. Most that I care about people already know,"

Simon thought about it for a couple of seconds, "OK,"

"OK? Really?" said Raphael, "I honestly expected a bigger fight,"

Simon squeezed Raphael's hand, "I know I'm stubborn but this is obviously important to you so, you go on your trip and I will spend the next three days thinking about the perfect words to convince you that your lack of sexual attraction to me doesn't matter to me, that I still want to be with you. I want a relationship with you and I don't want you thinking the whole time that I might leave for something that isn't your fault and is completely normal,"

Raphael smiled softly and pulled him into a hug, "Thank you Simon,"

Simon hugged back, "No problem,"

Raphael pulled back after a bit, "Well, I still have to pack for the trip so..."

"I'll go," said Simon, getting off the couch. He stood there for a second not knowing what more to say.

Raphael saved him, "I'll be gone before you wake up so have a good week,"

"You too," said Simon, as Raphael lead him out of the room.

Raphael smiled at him one last time before he closed the door.

* * *

A few hours later, at 8:00 AM he called his best friend.

"Hey Clary," said Simon

"Hey Simon," said Clary, "Isn't it a bit early for you to be calling or late I guess,"

"I just had this conversation with Raphael,"

"OK," said Clary, "Is this something I should be in private for?"

_Bless that girl._

"Preferably,"

"Give me a sec,"

A couple of minutes later, "OK. I'm back. What's up?"

"He's asexual,"

"OK." said Clary, "Is that a problem?"

"No but..."

He relayed the conversation to her while she listened patiently.

"Seems like he just wants to make sure you guys don't jump into anything," said Clary, "I mean didn't he say he's had that conversation before. Makes it sound like someone told him his asexuality was OK but hen left him because of it. If I was in his shoes I'd probably be cautious from then on. He said he doesn't want either of you hurt, right?,"

"Yeah," said Simon

"Look do you really think it wouldn't matter?"

"Yes," said Simon, "I do,"

"OK. I believe you and I think Raphael really wants to be with you. He always seems smitten. All you have to do is come up with the right words to show him that you want the relationship, asexuality and vampire leader moodiness included,"

Simon chuckled, "How do I do that? In case you haven't noticed, not really good with words,"

"I might be a little better that you but I'm not that good either," said Clary, "Why don't you talk to Magnus?"

"Magnus?"

"Yeah Magnus," said Clary, "He and Raphael consider each other family and Magnus has a lot of experience with both relationships and words. Maybe he can give you some tips,"

"Good idea. Thanks Clary," said Simon

"No problem. And Simon?"

"Yeah,"

"Get some sleep before calling Magnus,"

"Right,"

* * *

Simon called Magnus around 10:00 PM.

"There better be a good reason for this call. This one of the few nights my boyfriend has come home early I have plans to thoroughly enjoy the night,"

No matter how confident Simon got, an angry Magnus still made him cower. Even if the warlock was speaking over the phone.

"Uh-oh H-hi Magnus. Sorry to disturb,"

"Oh hello there Sean," said Magnus, "What do I owe the pleasure?"

"Uh how do I say this- well..."

"Spit it out Sam,"

"Raphael came out to me,"

"I hope you handled it with decorum or help me god-"

"Oh for the love of- of course I handled it well and I still want to be with him. I need help convincing  _him_  of that,"

Magnus sighed, "When is he coming back?"

"Three days,"

"Come to mine tomorrow night," said Magnus, "I really want to spend tonight with Alexander,"

"Of course Magnus," said Simon, "Have fun with your man,"

"Bye,"

Simon wandered downstairs. The main area was already filling with the residents of the hotel getting their breakfast.

"Hey Fledgling," said Eric, "Why so thoughtful?"

"Um well, I'm not sure if-"

"Did Raphael finally come out to you,?" said Eloise

"Guess he wasn't kidding when he said most people knew," said Simon. People didn't exactly trust Eloise with their secret so Raphael's asexuality obviously was not a secret among the clan.

"Yup," said Lily, "It's common knowledge,"

"OK then does someone here have advice for me?"

"Let me guess," said Dmitri, "Boss left you with the 'think about it' before going on the trip,"

Simon nodded.

Lily sighed, "Yeah he does that. Just take the time and think about it and give an honest answer,"

Simon nodded and again and started drinking his blood. He thought it was the last of it he would hear about it from the clan. That was until Lily called him into the office.

At first Simon thought she just wanted him to do the usual 'interim chief' things but when he got there there were no papers and she was sitting on the sofa with her bag straight. Her famous 'were going to have a serious conversation pose'. It made Simon nervous.

As always Lily didn't waste any time, "I want to talk to you about Raphael,"

"OK," said Simon, sitting down.

"You're my friend but Raphael is one of my best friends and I really don't want to give the don't-you-dare-hurt-my-best-friend speech but there are a few things I have to say,"

Simon nodded.

"I'm going to tell you this because it's common knowledge around here. Raphael had a vampire boyfriend Nick and they ended pretty badly because Nick was not honest. Nick was one of those people who really needed the connection sex brought in a relationship and that is OK. What wasn't OK was that he was so desperate to be with Raphael that he repressed it and we know what happens when people, especially vampires repress things like that. There's always an explosion. Not to mention that vampires can also sense emotions. It's not something you can do yet but you will eventually. Raphael couldn't tell exactly what was bothering Nick but he knew it had something to do with him. Can you see where this going?"

"Yeah," said Simon

"Nick was always a bit insecure so when Raphael confronted him about what he was feeling, he jabbed back with hurtful comments. He never mentioned his asexuality. Nick was never cruel like that but their fights got worse. Raphael kept telling him that they couldn't fix anything if they both were't honest and Nick was so in love with Raphael that he kept denying, even to himself, that the relationship was hurting him,"

"So how did it end?"

"Camille usually didn't intervene in people's personal lives, didn't care enough but even she got fed up. She forced Nick to spill in front of everyone,"

"The whole clan?"

"The whole clan and more,"

"Shit," said Simon

"Yeah," said Lily, "The worse part was that back then our people might have been accepting of being gay or lesbian but everything else was still, well, not talked about. Some people took Raphael's side, most took Nick's even though neither of them wanted any sides. Raphael just wanted to get over the heart break and Nick was slowly falling into depression,"

"Damn,"

"Six months after, there was a visit from the Philadelphia clan. They didn't particularly like Camille but one of their vampires had gone rogue and they had tracked him into the area. When they left, Nick left with them,"

Simon just sat there, not knowing what to say.

"Raphael hasn't been in a serious relationship since. I mean, he might hangout and stuff but that's about it and the Nick thing happened fifty years ago. He just wants you to be sure that you really will be fine with the little sensual intimacy that he can offer. He doesn't want either of you to get hurt,"

"Yeah," said Simon, "I'm starting to get that,"

"You're both great people and honestly, everybody that saw the Nick and Raphael thing would rather that you break if off now instead of having a blow up later. Of course we would like it better for you to be actually compatible but if you're not..."

"No. No, I-uh I get it," said Simon, standing up, "Thank you Lily. I think I understand a few things better now,"

"Any time Baby," said Lily, "Have a good one,"

"You too Lily,"

* * *

Magnus opened the door to the apartment before Simon could even knock.

"Hello Silas,"

"Hi Magnus," said Simon, "How are you,"

"Lovely," said Magnus, ushering him inside, "What about you?"

"Great," said Simon

"Come sit down," said Magnus, "Would you like anything?"

"No. I drank before coming here,"

"OK than. Let's get into it. You want some advice about Raphael,"

"I think I might need advice with life in general but for now we'll stick to talking about my relationship,"

Magnus chuckled, "Fair enough,"

They both sat down and Simon made himself comfortable.

"So?" said Magnus

"Lily told him about his relationship with Nick and I think I understand much better now but I'm still at a lost as to how to tell him that everything he's giving me is enough,"

Magnus pursed his lips, "It's probably because no one likes being just enough,"

"What do you mean?"

"Well someone says that you're giving them enough it feels as if the other person is settling. Like you should be able to give them more than enough, especially if the part you're not giving them is what most people consider normal,"

Magnus took a deep breathe. Simon waited for him to continue.

"For me it was the thought of growing old with someone. When people, especially mortals, said that me being with them was enough, it always filled me with this sick feeling of not being enough,"

"I can't you not being enough for anyone," said Simon

"I know but sometimes that happens," said Magnus, "People tell you you're enough and you wonder of there is something more they need but their settling for having just enough of it and that never ends well,"

"So, how do you convince someone that they are more than enough?"

"I think it would be much better for you to list all the things that you need in a relationship and not just you but Raphael should list them too. That way you can be clear about what the two of you want in the relationship and you can see if you can give each other that,"

"So instead saying 'you're already giving me enough intimacy', tell him the amount of intimacy I need and he'll come to the conclusion that he's giving me enough,"

"Exactly!" said Magnus

"That's actually pretty simple," said Simon, "Why didn't I think of it,"

"Because you young people like to unnecessarily complicate things," said Magnus

Simon laughed. They spent the next hour talking about 'young' people and how they had changed over the centuries. Magnus threw in a few personal stories, which eventually, somehow, lead to the topic of Clary and Jace and them Mia and Isabelle.

"They're really cute together," said Simon, "I hope they work out. They just had their third date right?"

"Uh huh,"

Just than the door opened and a very tired looking Alec walked in.

"Oh hi," said Alec, "Didn't know we were going to have company,"

"Hello darling," said Magnus, getting up to kiss Alec, "We've only been talking for a little while,"

Alec looked them curiously, "You do know it's after midnight, right?"

"Oh wow," said Simon, "It is. Did you notice?"

"No," said Magnus, "I didn't. I was quite enjoying myself,"

"I'm glad," said Simon, "But I think I'm gonna get out of your hair now,"

"Bye Simon," said Alec, as he went to take a shower.

"Bye Sultan," said Magnus

Simon smiled and headed for the door. Before he could leave, he remembered something Magnus had said and turned around.

"Magnus?"

"Yes,"

"There are more than a few of us who need you and want you just the way you are,"

Magnus smiled. Simon pretended he didn't see the tears in the warlock's eyes. He thought Magnus would prefer it that way.


	2. Milk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael and Simon have a little talk.

Simon looked up from his phone as Raphael walked into the room.

At first Simon had considered leaving their conversation until after the leader had had his rest but he didn't want Raphael to get the wrong idea so, he decided to wait the last hour in the older vampire's room.

"Hello Simon," said Raphael, "What are you still doing up?"

"I know you're probably tired but I thought we could talk,"

"Does it have to be now," said Raphael, sounding a bit down

Anyone else would have put it off to Raphael being tired but Simon could tell that the other vampire was genuinely worried about the conversation.

"It's nothing bad. I promise," said Simon, "Here let me out your stuff away while you shower and then we'll talk,"

Raphael nodded and went into the bathroom.

After five minutes Raphael came out in his silk pajamas and took a seat on the sofa beside Simon

"So?" said Raphael

"They told me about Nick,"

Raphael expression closed, "Oh?"

"I think I understand better why you weren't willing to take me on my word," said Simon, "I talked to Magnus and he gave me a few things to think about,"

Raphael nodded with an apprehensive air about him

"I'm going to say a few things and I want you to wait until the end to comment. OK?"

"OK," said Raphael, the corners of mouth crinkling a bit. Simon counted it as a victory.

"When I was a human I loved milk," said Simon

"Milk?" said Raphael Incredulously

"What did I say about interrupting huh?" said Simon playfully

"OK. OK," said Raphael, "I'll let you have your 'Simon' moment,"

"Thank you," Simon grinned. Raphael smiled back.

"So," said Simon, "When I was human I loved milk and that fortunate because I needed a lot of it. Apparently my body lacked quite a bit of potassium. I'm not sure why or how it worked. All I know is that I had to make sure to drink a lot of milk and eat these Vitamin D tablets. You see milk was necessary for me but chocolate milk wasn't. I mean it was great and all but not necessary, it was something I could live without having. I really just needed plain milk and I loved it that way,"

Simon could see a bit of understanding in Raphael's eyes.

"So I listed a few things that fall under 'milk' when it comes to relationships and those that fall under chocolate milk," said Simon, taking out his phone, "You can read them and then I want you to write yours afterwards,"

"But I'm not the one giving up something," started Raphael

"First of all, you haven't read my list so, you don't know that but also this is a relationship. It involves both of us therefore we should both talk about out milk and chocolate milk,"

"Milk and chocolate milk. That sounds so odd," said Raphael

"What are you talking about?" said Simon, "It's a great analogy. Now read,"

Raphael smiled and looked back down on the phone.

"Someone who can stand to listen to me rant about a subject for almost an hour,"

"You know how I get," said Simon

"Morning and night kisses," said Raphael, "That I can do,"

"I know," said Simon, "You do them very well,"

Raphael just grinned and went back to reading. His brow furrowed, "What do you mean by toy-oh. I get it,"

"Hope you're OK with it,"

"Of course," said Raphael, "It's absolutely fine,"

Simon nodded

"Public display of affection falls under chocolate milk?" said Raphael, "I thought you would be one of those people who cling to their significant other a lot,"

"I mean yeah but I'm not one of those people who would make out at a park bench. Being kissed goodbye in front of a bar or something would be nice but I know some people aren't comfortable with that and I totally get it,"

"Hmm" said Raphael, "I don't have a problem with it. I don't like holding hands though. Even in private,"

"Really?" said Simon, "That's very particular,"

"It's always been like that," said Raphael, "Just never been in favor of it,"

"Huh," said Simon, "Well, I'm fine with that,"

Raphael handed him the phone, "Here. I'm done. I think most of what you need works for me,"

"So you don't mind being hugged at random times of the day?" Simon said cheekily

"You hugs are great mi sol,"

Simon smiled, "Your turn,"

Raphael face scrunched up, "Do I have to write them down? Can't we just talk about them?"

"Nope Rapha," said Simon, "You gotta write them down,"

"Fine," said Raphael, getting up to get some paper and pencil.

Simon waited patiently as the other vampire wrote down his thoughts. Eventually, Raphael handed him the paper with the two lists. Simon noticed they were both very small

_M_

_\- A loving person_

_\- Someone who is willing to listen_

_\- Someone who is OK with dating a busy leader_

_\- Someone who is OK being around a grouchy person_

_\- Someone who can put up with no hand-holding. Ever_

_CM_

_\- Someone who loves dancing and cooking_

_\- Someone who will let me dress them occasionally (taking in their tastes of course)_

"First off, this is a very short list," said Simon, "You like dancing?"

"Yes and when I say dancing, I mean actual classical dancing,"

"I could learn and you already dress me up anyway," said Simon, "As for the first list, I don't have any problem being any of those people, I mean I already put up with your grouchiness,"

Raphael chuckled

"But are you sure that you don't want to add stuff to this. The lists are pretty short," said Simon

"I'm sure baby," said Raphael, taking his hands, "I'm still very young compared to some immortals but I've been around long enough to know that some specific things don't matter and we can figure some things out as we go on. We just have to want to try,"

"It really was just the sex thing that was bothering you,"

Raphael smiled and nodded.

"Well," said Simon, "I'm still glad we did it. It really helped me too,"

"That good," said Raphael, "Though I'm pretty sure I have never heard anyone compare any relationship to plain milk and chocolate milk,"

"Oh hush," said Simon, pulling the leader close, "It worked didn't it?"

Raphael nodded and smiled his pretty smile again, the one that was just for Simon.

"Can I kiss you?" asked Simon

"Only if we're in bed," said Raphael

"Come on then,"

Raphael let out a startled laugh as Simon pulled him on the bed.

"I'm glad we're compatible," said Simon

"Me too," said Raphael, just before their lips met

* * *

"Come on Lewis," said Raphael, "We are going to be late and them Magnus will turn us into rats,"

"I'm here," said Simon, stepping out of their shared closet, "I still don't understand why we have to go early. The party isn't for another two hours,"

"One hour and a half," corrected Raphael, fixing Simon's tie

"Same difference,"

"It's Alec's birthday and Magnus is nervous and you know what happens when Magnus is nervous,"

"Right," said Simon, remembering the pink walls, humongous chocolate cake and the kangaroo.

"Right. let's go,"

Raphael called Magnus who opened them a portal.

"Hello, my dear vampires. How are you doing? What do you think? Should the cake be vanilla or chocolate or I could change it to strawberry. What about the streamers and-"

"I'll handle this," whispered Raphael, leading away the blabbering warlock.

It was honestly a little funny to watch someone as confident as Magnus worry about his boyfriend's birthday party. Alec would love Magnus even if they held the party in some rundown motel.

"Hi Simon," said Isabelle, "How are you?"

"I'm good," said Simon, "What about you? How is Maia?"

"I'm great too and so is Maia and we're great together. She's amazing. She's coming a bit later,"

"That's great Iz," said Simon, smiling at his friend's excitement

"And how's Raphael," she asked, with a wiggle of her eyebrows

Simon chuckled and thought about the past few months.

Raphael made blood candy for Simon when he was feeling down. He loved hugging Simon all the time. In the morning he sometimes woke him up with kisses. He held him when they watched horror movies or when Simon woke up screaming from nightmares. In return, he let Simon hold him too. He told him stories about his parents and let Simon rub his back as he cried for the people long gone. He was teaching him to dance, even though most lessons ended up with them making out. He loved for them to take baths together. He shut himself inside his office when he was in one of his moods but he would always come to Simon later. He was sweet, kind, moody, and loving.

Their relationship was made of some many little things put together, little things that made a beautiful picture.

Simon looked at Izzy and smiled, "He's perfect for me,"


End file.
